Minji
Water. Burning lungs. Darkness. Stillness. Numbness. Death.
I wake up with a jolt, sweat all over my body, the images from my nightmare still in front of my eyes. I feel sudden movement and I look up to see Jimin coming to sit on the bed next to me. ‘Hey, you’re okay. It’s just a bad dream.’ He says as he takes my hand in his and squeezes it.
‘It wasn’t just a bad dream Chim. It was a bad memory.’ I say. ‘How long have I been asleep?’ I ask.
‘A little over four hours. You were completely knocked out.’ He says and I sigh.
‘I’m sorry.’ I say but he squeezes my hand and places his other hand on my face as he makes me look at him.
‘Why do you keep apologizing?’ He asks and I sigh once more.
‘I feel like a freak every time I get a panic attack.’ I admit. ‘I’m someone who loves to be in control and every time I get a panic attack I lose control over my mind and body. I feel trapped and unable to breathe. I know it’s all in my mind but I can’t stop it.’ I say and he nods in understanding.
‘I know it’s scary but you’re not a freak for that. If everyone who suffers from panic attacks is a freak, then half the population would be made up of freaks.’ He says. I close my eyes for a moment and calm myself before I finally look at Jimin.
‘Oppa, where’s Jungkook? I need to talk to him and reassure him it wasn’t his fault.’ I say and he nods.
‘After you passed out, he left. Tae came to check on you and he said he went to the gym room and hasn’t left. Do you want me to take you there?’ He asks and I nod.
‘Yes please.’ I reply. Jimin stands up and I get out of bed. I put on my slippers and follow Jimin. We go across the room and reach one which has a large, double wooden door. Even from outside the closed door I can hear the sound of him punching the bag repeatedly. ‘Can you wait here for now please?’ I ask and he nods.
‘Sure.’ He replies. I push open the door and walk inside and I sigh as I see him punching away. He has his headphones in and he’s covered in sweat. He’s so focused he doesn’t hear me. I close the door behind me and approach him slowly. I stop for a moment and watch him. He looks tired but he keeps going before he finally stops. He closes his eyes and rests his head against the punching bag.
‘Stupid. You’re so stupid.’ He says to himself. I approach him and hug him from behind. He freezes as he stands up. ‘Wh-what?’ He asks as he goes to turn around but I don’t let him. I feel him remove his headphones and I hug him tighter.
‘Let me stay like this for a second.’ I say and he nods. I close my eyes and rest my face against his back. ‘It’s not your fault Kooks.’ I say.
‘Yes, it is Minji. I should have not thrown you into the pool.’ He says. I let go of the hug and force him to turn around and look at me.
‘Kooks, I should have told you the truth from the start and not make excuses for not wanting to go into the pool. The truth is I’m terrified of the water, but you didn’t know that. How could you know that when I didn’t tell you?’ I say but he shakes his head.
‘No, you told me not to do it but I was stubborn and threw you anyways. You could have gotten seriously hurt and I would not have forgiven myself.’ He says.
‘Kooks, you were just doing what any brother would do to his sister. We keep trying to make up for the years we’ve lost but there is still so much we need to discover about each other. I want to tell you about this fear and why I suffer from these panic attacks. Will you let me?’ I ask as I take both his hands in mine.
‘Are you sure? Won’t it upset you to talk about it?’ He asks and I smile.
‘Maybe but I want to do it. Come on, let’s gather everyone. Might as well say it once.’ I say as I pull him with me. I push open the door where Jimin is still waiting. We go to the living room where the others are watching a movie.
‘Minji! How are you feeling?’ Taehyung asks me.
‘Much better. There’s something I want to talk to you guys about. I know you’ve probably all been wondering why I am scared of the water so much and why I get these panic attacks. I want to tell you all about it.’ I say and they nod.
‘Only if you’re sure Minji. We do want to understand you better and see how we can help but you don’t have to say anything if it makes you feel uncomfortable.’ Yoongi says and I nod.
‘I know that and I appreciate it but I need to do this.’ I say. Namjoon switches off the TV and the three of us sit down on the floor. Yun slides down and comes to sit down next to me. She takes her hand in mine.
‘So you’re really going to tell them?’ She asks and I nod. ‘Good. You need to talk about it. I’m right here with you.’ She says and I nod once again. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I open them up again.
‘I was sixteen, almost seventeen when I almost died.’ I begin.
*Flashback*
Yun, Minho, myself and almost all of our sixth form have decided to start summer by going to the annual boat party. We finished our exams two days ago so now it was time to celebrate the hard work and the start of the holidays. We had just finished our first year which meant we only had one more year to go before University.
‘I’m so pumped for this summer. Appa is taking us to Australia for the surfing.’ I say getting excited at the thought of catching the beautiful Australian waves. I’ve seen so many videos of surfers there and I always wanted to try them out for myself and the beaches there are magnificent.
‘Lucky you. We’re not going anywhere this summer.’ Yun says pouting.
‘Well I can talk to Eomma and Appa and ask them if you can come with us. They won’t say no.’ I say as I smile.
‘What about me?’ Minho asks, pretending to be offended as he gasps loudly and slams his hand on his chest. He’s wearing a shirt with a Hawaiian pattern, but he leaves it open, letting his muscular chest and abs show. Show off!
‘They would definitely say no to you.’ I reply as I grab him by the collar of his shirt.
‘And why is that?’ He asks, smirking while raising one eyebrow in defiance. I cock my head to one side and smirk as well.
‘Because of this.’ I say as I pull him closer and into a kiss. It’s not exactly a gentle kiss as we move in sync. My hand goes to his hair as I pull on it while he snakes his arms around me.
‘Ugh get a room.’ Yun groans as she walks away, probably trying to find her own boyfriend. Minho and I stop kissing as we look at each other.
‘You look so hot in that bikini.’ Minho says. ‘I wish I could strip it all off and see what is hiding under there.’ He says as he kisses at my neck.
‘I told you – not before we reach eighteen and even then, we have to be careful. My parents might like you but they will have your head if I end up pregnant.’ I warn him but he doesn’t seem to listen. He continues to kiss at my neck and I can’t help but tense all over. I close my eyes for a moment as he sucks on my skin, forcing me to let out a quiet moan. ‘Minho, there are people here.’ I murmur.
‘I know. I’m just letting everyone know you’re mine.’ He says with another smirk which he knows I could die for.
‘I’m going to go get us a drink.’ I say and he nods while he continues to smirk, knowing how he makes me feel whenever he does that. I reach the bar and I get two sodas. Since everyone here is under age, no alcohol is being served which is only right I guess. As I get our drinks, I feel someone beside me.
‘Hello beautiful.’ Ji says and I roll my eyes.
‘Get lost Ji.’ I say. Ji has been hitting on me all through the year. It’s not the first time that he and Minho got into heated confrontations because Ji keeps coming to flirt with me when I don’t even give him a moment’s time. He doesn’t seem to get it – I don’t like him, and I have a boyfriend, but he keeps insisting on trying. I think he just does it because he likes to see me get annoyed and Minho angry.
‘Oh come on sweetcakes, don’t be like that.’ He says as he grabs my wrist really tightly.
‘Let go of my wrist.’ I say through clenched teeth.
‘Or what? You’ll get your boyfriend to beat me up?’ He asks as he pretends to look innocent.
‘I don’t need Minho; I can beat your ass myself.’ I reply when he suddenly pulls me closer to him. The force knocks out the sodas out of my hands while he secures his grip on both of my hands. He goes to kiss me but I hit him, using my head which crashes against his mouth, sending him recoiling back. He touches his bleeding lip and I see a look of fury on his face. I go to walk away when he suddenly pushes me from behind, sending me crashing against the floor. The crowd gasps and I turn around and stand up. ‘You’re such a *.’ I say as I take a step forward but before I know it, Minho is standing in front of me.
‘Did you just push my girl to the floor?’ Minho asks angrily. Ji starts to laugh.
‘She’s the one who hit me first.’ He says, rubbing his chin and lip. I scoff and shake my head.
‘Only because you tried to kiss me.’ I reply. That seems to infuriate Minho more but Minho isn’t completely thoughtless. He doesn’t engage in fights unless he has no other choice.
‘Stay away from us Ji. I’m warning you.’ Minho yells. He takes my hand and we begin to walk away when suddenly Minho is *ed backwards. I gasp as Ji punches Minho, sending him crashing to the ground.
‘Minho!’ I yell out as the people start to circle them and cheer on for a fight. Minho punches Ji back. The two start to fight and I go to separate them. ‘Stop it. That’s enough.’ I yell out as I manage to push them away from each other.
‘Stay out of this.’ Ji yells as he pushes me. I lose my balance over some spilled drink and I hit against the railing. It must have been faulty because it breaks and as it does, I find myself falling off the boat. It happens so suddenly, I don’t have time to grip on anything. As I fall, I hit my head against the boat, making everything fuzzy.
‘MINJI!!’ I hear Minho screaming just as I crash against the water. It’s cold and dark and I can’t fight the current.
Before I can stop it, I feel the water rushing in through my nose and mouth, filling my lungs. They say that people keep holding on the air in their lungs but I can’t do that. I feel the burning sensation as I try to fight for air. I try my hardest to swim upwards but at this point I don’t know where that is. I feel like I am spinning endlessly, with no sense of direction.
Please someone save me. Help me. I’m scared.
Everything feels so heavy. I keep going down, my lungs screaming for air that I cannot have. The more water I swallow, the more the pain grows in intensity. I want to scream for help but I can’t. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. I can’t hear anything except the water rushing. My head is pounding loudly. Everything begins to grow darker and I feel myself letting go, growing numb, my mouth opening involuntarily as I sink further down.
Before I let go completely, I feel someone dragging me upwards. We break through the water surface and I gasp for air. I feel someone putting something around me and then I feel myself being shaken and someone yelling my name repeatedly and then it stops. My body rocks somewhere but stays above water.
I wake up to the sound of a machine beeping. I groan as I do and I feel someone move beside me. ‘Minji, sweetie.’ I hear a familiar voice saying. I look up and smile as I see Eomma there.
‘Eomma.’ I croak out. I look around and realize I’m in a hospital bed. Attached to me are countless wires. She stands up and hurries to the door as Appa and Yun come running in. ‘Appa. Yun.’ I say. I see Eomma crying and Yun looks emotional as well. ‘What happened? Why am I here?’ I ask.
‘What do you remember honey?’ Appa asks. I close my eyes, trying to recall and the first thing that comes to mind is water.
‘Water.’ I say and they look at each other. ‘I was at a boat party… there was a fight… Minho and Ji were fighting.’ I say and Yun nods. ‘They were fighting because of me…because Ji was bothering me.’ I say, taking a pause, trying to organize my thoughts. ‘I went to separate them and Ji pushed me. I fell of the railing… I’m sure he didn’t mean to but I fell.’ I say.
‘What else do you remember?’ Eomma asks. I close my eyes and I feel that drowning feeling all over again. I start to breathe quickly and Eomma is quick to put her arms around me. ‘Shh calm down, calm down. You’re safe here.’ She says.
‘I was drowning. I was so scared Eomma. I couldn’t see or hear anything and I couldn’t breathe. My lungs were burning and my head was pounding and, and, and I was in a lot of pain but then someone pulled me out.’ I say. Yun starts crying and my mind starts to connect the dots. My eyes go wide and my heart starts to beat faster. ‘Yun – where’s Minho? Where is he?’ I ask and yell at the same time but she just sobs louder. My Appa goes to her and rubs her back but I see him crying as well. ‘No, no.’ I say as I feel my throat tighten.
‘When he… when he saw you go down, Minho… he, um… he jumped after you.’ Yun explains and I begin to shake my head, already knowing where this is going. ‘He managed to pull you up but the current was really strong… it took him under. He’s… he’s dead.’ She says.
‘No, no you’re lying. Tell me you’re lying.’ I scream. I hear the monitor beeping loudly.
‘I’m sorry Minji.’ She says.
‘Nooo.’ I scream as I try to get out of bed but Eomma and Appa hold me down. Yun starts crying even harder and I begin to sob and try to fight my parents to get out of bed. The doctors come rushing in and one of them injects something in my arm which causes me to relax. I drift off to sleep with tears streaming down my eyes and thinking of Minho.
*Present Time*
I look at everyone who is staring at me as I tell my story. I wipe away the tears that have escaped and I look at Yun who also has tears. ‘I’m really sorry you had to go through that.’ Jungkook says and I nod.
‘After that incident, everything changed for me. I started having constant panic attacks, one after the other. I didn’t go out of my room for the whole summer. I lost myself in my grief. I could barely sleep, I stopped talking and I stopped eating. I even got sick for a while.’ I explain. Jungkook holds my hand tightly to try and offer me comfort.
‘When school started, I didn’t join any of the sports teams and I stayed alone except for Yun. I became an outcast, the loser, the freak of the school who one moment would be fine, the next she’d be shaking and unable to breathe. It went on for half a year until prom came along.’ I say. I see Yun’s facial expression change to one of anger.
‘I hate that *.’ Yun murmurs and I smile a little.
‘What is she talking about? Did someone hurt you?’ Jungkook asks.
‘Wait, is this the guy you told me about? The one who pretended to be your friend?’ Jimin asks and I nod.
‘His name was Hyungsik. He used to be friends with Minho because they were in the same sports team. He saw some girls making fun of me and he came to my rescue like a knight in shining armour. He asked me to prom and when I asked him why, he said he was doing it for Minho and I believed him. I thought about it, told myself I would do it for Minho but it was all just a trick to humiliate me. Upon arriving, someone threw eggs at me and I got covered in oil and flour and whatnot. I was so embarrassed and I cried all night but it was a wake up call. The next day, I broke his side mirror and reminded everyone who I was.’ I say.
‘What an *.’ Jimin says angrily, earning a look from Jin but he doesn’t say anything. I see Jungkook balling his hand into fist.
‘I got over that but getting over what happened to Minho took much longer. My panic attacks started becoming fewer but I was still getting them every now and then. I don’t always manage to control them. Water spaces like pools and the oceans just trigger my worst ones. I can stay next to them and I’ll be fine just as long as I don’t get in.’ I explain.
'I'm really sorry for throwing you into the pool. I really am Minmin.' Jungkook says.
'Don't be. You didn't know. Kooks - you're my brother and I love you. We might not always agree on everything and we might end up fighting every now and then because that's what siblings do but I will always love you. You were always the missing piece of me and now that I have you, I won't ever let you go.' I say. He lets out a small smile as he embraces me in a tight and loving hug.
